Of All The Places I Have Been, I'm No Place Without You
by Brown Eyes Parker
Summary: He needed to feel something again. He pulled her down on the bed with him and they were a tangled mess of naked limbs. There were two dozen people downstairs and he wasn't sure that he could give her a happy ending but he still made love to her for the first time in his twin bed. Sequel to "We Choose Each Other And Find No Other".


**Of All the Places I Have Been, I'm No Place Without You**

 **A Josh and Maya Story**

 **By Brown Eyes Parker**

 **Rated: Strong T**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

 **.**

 _As vivid as it truly is_

 _Fall in love with a single touch_

 _And fall apart when it hurts too much_

He was just there the day before, playing Frisbee with everybody including Ava, Lucas and Maya. Afterwards, he had taken them all to Serendipity's to get ice cream. Ava had begged him for a triple helping of their signature frozen hot chocolate. Alan had just laughed and forked over the money even though everybody knew she would say she had a stomachache three or four bites in, her eyes bigger than her stomach.

It was all over now though.

His father would never play Frisbee in the park or treat them all to Serendipity's ever again. He had lied down to take a nap after breakfast and he had never woken up. He was supposed to be packing to go to Philadelphia to help make funeral arrangements but he couldn't make his hands cooperate with his brain. He had gotten his suitcase out and opened it but he had stopped there, the weight in his heart was too great to move much further. He had fallen to the ground and pulled his knees to his chest, thinking in the back of his mind that it would help somehow but it didn't. He started to cry like he was a little boy again. He didn't care because there wasn't anybody there to see him.

He wouldn't have cared if anybody was there to see him.

His father had died. What kind of person _didn't_ cry after they had lost their father? He was pretty sure Cory had been crying over the phone when he had called to deliver the news to him.

He cried until he was sure he couldn't cry anymore, the room growing dark around him. He had lost all sense of time when he heard a key turn in the doorway and saw the lamp go on. He turned his face and saw Maya standing in his dorm, looking at him with a mixture of sympathy and her own kind of pain over his father's passing. There was a whisper of a moment and then she was on her knees in front of him, holding him close. He buried his face in her shoulder and broke down all over again.

Somehow, he didn't know how it was possible, he fell asleep while Maya ran her fingers through his hair, lulling him to sleep with her gentle touch.

When he woke up the next morning, she was still sitting beside him on the bed. He didn't want to move, didn't know if he could move. He thought that maybe if he didn't, he would find out the past twelve hours were a bad dream. His father would still be alive and everything in his world would be okay.

This kind of heartache was a foreign concept to him. He hadn't even felt the tell-tale signs of a broken heart when his girlfriend of eighty days had left him for their Lit professor.

He never wanted to feel this way again.

Maya got up and started to get ready for the day before reminding him that he needed to wash his face and brush his teeth before they left for the train station.

He was thankful when he saw her suitcase next to his, he didn't know what he would do without her. She was taking care of everything so he wouldn't have to, he couldn't find the words to thank her.

He couldn't do much of anything at all.

The morning passed in a blur and the next thing he knew, they were sitting on a train heading to his childhood home in Philadelphia. He slipped his hand into her's without thinking about it too much, she squeezed his fingers tightly without looking at him as they took their journey in complete silence.

Maya collected their luggage and he managed to smile at her gratefully while he tried to convey how sorry he was for not helping her out more like his father had raised him. He felt like a lost little boy, he didn't know what to do or where to go. He was completely dependent on her and he hated himself for it.

He couldn't bring himself to tell her.

He didn't know what to say to her at all.

She helped _him_ into the taxi that she had hailed and gave them directions to _his_ house while he stared out the window as the scenery whizzed past him. When they finally got home, he didn't want to go in because he would have to face the emptiness, that his father was really gone. He didn't think he could do it. Not even with Maya's fingers securely laced through his.

When they got inside there was an endless round of hugs and Josh forgot how to breathe.

 **.**

He was surrounded by rows and rows of people dressed in black while the church pianist kept playing the same hymn over and over again, it pulsed in his brain like a steady tattoo. He was sure he would remember the refrain of "How Great Thou Art" longer than anything else in the world.

He craned his neck to look at Maya for the umpteenth time, to double-check that she was still sitting two pews behind him. Their eyes met and he looked away quickly, he got the feeling she was watching him instead of paying attention to the funeral. He couldn't pay attention either, he didn't want to.

 **.**

The funeral goers were lingering over weak coffee and words of bereavement geared towards the family, the air was heavy with old lady perfume and cheap drugstore cologne. Josh felt sick to his stomach, his head was pounding so badly. He made his way upstairs to his old bedroom and lay down on his bed, folding his hands over his stomach and staring sightlessly at his old _Mumford & Sons _poster.

His door opened and he heard Maya whisper his name tentatively, closing the door behind her and edging her way towards him.

"I feel so numb," Josh told her huskily.

Maya sat on the edge of his bed and leaned over him, framing his face with her hands and he was surrounded by her long blonde hair, her Bath & Body scent and then she was kissing him. He sat up and kissed her back, pulling her closer and holding onto her desperately, he was trembling beneath her embrace. The world seemed to slow down as she tugged off his tie and gently eased his shirt off his shoulders. He felt a lot less skilled as he unzipped her dress, his shaking fingers getting in the way.

Everything was telling him that it wasn't a good idea. The day of his father's funeral wasn't the time or the place to have sex with Maya but when she pressed her hand on his chest before replacing it with her lips, he couldn't help himself. He _needed_ to feel something again. He pulled her down on the bed with him and they were a tangled mess of naked limbs. There were two dozen people downstairs and he wasn't sure that he could give her a happy ending but he still made love to her for the first time in his twin bed.

He woke up to a completely dark room and with his face buried in her neck. He could hear Auggie on the other side of the door, banging on it and demanding to know if they were in there. Josh jumped up and Maya followed him, the two of them rushing around and getting dressed to hide what they had just done with each other.

Josh was just zipping up Maya's dress when Auggie burst into their bedroom, his brown eyes were clouded with suspicion.

"We fell asleep!" Maya explained before Josh could say anything.

"We're going to Macaroni Grill for dinner," Auggie told them. "Grandma can't stand being here for another second because she'll go crazy from grief if she does."

Josh understood exactly where her mother was coming from, he followed his nephew and Maya downstairs gratefully.

He stood a little closer than he should have while they waited to be seated for dinner but she didn't pull away, not even when he buried his face in her hair. It didn't occur to him that maybe somebody in his family would notice something had changed between them and even if they did, he wouldn't have cared. He didn't really care about anything, really.

Not anymore.

 **.**

The afternoon of the funeral wasn't the last time he slept with her. He couldn't stay away and after a while, he stopped losing count of how many times they came together and of many times he left her before night was over. There weren't any strings attached but it felt like they were exclusive even though he didn't treat her to candlelit dinners or dances underneath an endlessly starry sky before he took her to bed but they weren't seeing anybody else either.

It couldn't end well, this thing between them, because it was just sex and he was trying to fill a void in his heart. Despite the fact that they would never get a happily ever after, he couldn't give her up either.

She filled the void in his heart and for an hour or two, she made him forget how bad he felt.

 **.**

"This is getting unhealthy, you know."

"Each time I swear to myself that this will be the last time," Josh answered. "But something always comes up. . . today it was my mom calling to tell me that she's selling the house. I don't know Maya, when I'm with you, I feel safe and whole."

"Can't you feel safe and whole without this? Without the sex?" Maya whispered back.

Even though he wouldn't be able to see her in the dark, Josh turned on his side. "Am I hurting you? Am I causing you to do anything you're uncomfortable with?" he asked, his concern was obvious in his tone. "If you say yes then I swear I'll stop."

"No!" Maya assured him hurriedly. "I've consented each and every time this has happened between us. It's just that. . . what happens if one of us finds somebody else? Somebody who wants something more than we have? Have you thought about that?"

"No. Who would want a mess like me?"

"You mean aside from me?"

"You were there, I never had to ask. Never had to tell you anything, you just knew," Josh explained.

"You're not a mess Josh," Maya said.

"I'm not okay either."

Maya reached out and took his hand. "But you will be okay eventually."

"Will you leave me if I never feel okay again?" Josh asked, a wave of neediness washed over him. "You might start to feel trapped, you know."

"I'm not going anywhere," Maya whispered, running her fingers through his hair before pulling him in her arms to kiss him.

Josh kissed her back desperately while he pulled her closer, held onto her like his life depended on it but he still felt like she would get up and kick him out of her bed at any given second, sending him packing while she found a guy who could give her the kind of happily ever after Riley and Lucas were going to have one day.

.

"There's something different about you," Josh said as he lifted his head to look at her. "Have you put on weight?"

He knew women hated questions like that and maybe there could have been a different way to phrase it but after months being with her in the most intimate of ways, Josh knew Maya's body almost as well as he knew his own. He could tell there were changes in it

Maya sighed and he almost expected her to be insulted by his question as she sat up and buttoned her flannel shirt back up, smoothing her tangled hair away from her face. She was hiding something, he could tell by the look on her face.

"Promise not to get mad?"

All at once, realization dawned on him and he felt all the blood drain from his face. "You're having a baby, aren't you?"

"Yes," Maya whispered her voice thick with tears.

Josh felt panic rising in his chest. "Is it mine?"

"Yes!" Maya answered, suddenly on the defense. "You know it is! I haven't been sleeping with anybody else, you know!"

Of course he knew that she hadn't been sleeping with anybody else. Her days and nights had been dedicated to him even when they weren't in bed together and they were busy with their classes. She always made sure he was doing his homework or eating, looking out for his health and scholastic pursuits like she was his girlfriend.

Josh bowed his head, embarrassed for even asking her if the baby was his. "I'm sorry," he said.

"I didn't get pregnant on purpose," Maya told him.

Josh went from feeling embarrassed to his heartbreaking a little bit. She shouldn't have had to say anything like that, she should have known that she wouldn't get pregnant on purpose. That she wasn't trying to trap him. She wasn't like that.

"I know," Josh said to assure her.

Maya bit her lip. "So, what now?"

"I don't know," Josh answered. "I need some time, just give me some time."

"I'll give you all the time you need," Maya said.

He pulled his jeans back on and went around the bed, leaning into kiss her on the mouth. It wasn't goodbye, it wasn't. He needed to kiss her, needed it to remember her by for the days he wouldn't have her. He pulled away a minute too late and forced himself to walk away from her, he could feel her eyes bearing into his back as he left. He had to get as far away from his room as he could, he couldn't risk her hearing him cry.

.

He went home because there was nowhere else to go really. If he went to Cory and Topanga's apartment, Maya would be everywhere he turned even if it was in spirit only. If he wanted to think clearly, he needed to distance himself from her completely because when he really stopped to think about it, she had been clouding his thoughts ever since before his father had passed away.

"Is everything okay?" Amy asked the second week he had been home.

"Can't I come home for a visit?" Josh answered.

"Not in the middle of the school year," Amy said. "Come on, you can tell me what's going on you know."

Josh released a deep breath and shook his head. "I miss dad."

It had been the first time he had said the words aloud in all the months his father had been gone, he hadn't been able to say them to anybody, not even to himself.

"I miss your father too," Amy told him, resting her hand on his. "But there's something else going on with you, isn't there? How are things with you and Maya these days?"

"Me and Maya?"

"Don't pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about," Amy replied. "I saw the way you two were together at the funeral."

"We're not exactly together," Josh said.

Amy frowned. "Then what are you?"

"Mom, come on," Josh replied. "It is the 21st century, you know."

"Oh, I see," Amy answered, wrapping her hands around her coffee mug and frowning with concern. "You are a Matthews, you know."

"Eric. . ."

"Isn't _you_!" Amy snapped. "You don't just go around using girls."

"It isn't like that!" Josh replied defensively. "I never used her. . ."

"Then why isn't she here with you right now?" Amy challenged. "Can you look me in the face and tell me that the two of you were dating and you have a future with this girl?"

"Maya's pregnant!" Josh blurted out.

Amy's mouth dropped open. "Joshua Gabriel Matthews are you lying to me!?"

"No, no. . . I'm not lying to you!" Josh answered, his throat constricting. "I got Maya pregnant! She was just trying to help me. . . after dad died, I felt so numb and she was so there and so warm, I don't know. . . it just happened and it kept happening until a few nights ago, anyways when she told me what had happened."

"Oh my God, Josh!"

"I left her," Josh said, tears welling up in his eyes. "I left her because I'm a coward and I couldn't deal with it. I told her that I needed time to think and she let me go without any ultimatums or threats."

"She loves you," Amy whispered. "You know that, right? She's always loved you Josh."

"I know, I know. . . I don't know why."

Amy got out of her seat and pulled him into her embrace. "I do. You're not the kind of boy who does this kind of stuff. You had to have felt something for her. . ."

Josh shook his head against his mother's shoulder. "I don't feel anything."

"Stop lying to yourself."

"She feels like home," Josh answered. "Whenever I feel numb or lost all I have to do is go to her and she makes me feel better and it isn't just physically either. All I have to do is see her face and I feel like I'm home."

"Then what are you doing _here_?"

"I don't know! I got scared when Maya said when she was going to have a baby, I can't be a father. I'm not in any position to be one or the kind of person that Maya needs right now."

"Oh come on, you don't know _that_ unless you try!" Amy told him. "Maybe you should go back and talk to her."

"Not yet," Josh whispered. "I can't face her yet."

 **.**

On the fifth day during the third week he was there, all he could think about was Maya. How she was and what she was doing, if the baby was growing any or if she had moved on and found somebody else to take his place.

All he could hear what his father would say he were there. He could hear Alan telling him that he was being stupid and that he needed to get his butt back in New York and be with the mother of his child. He had raised him better than that, hadn't he? He had raised him to take responsibility for his actions, hadn't he?

He needed to get his butt back to New York and be there for his unborn grandchild. . . for the woman that he _loved_.

It was time to start feeling again.

It startled him to realize that maybe he had actually been feeling something for a really long time after all.

 **.**

"I'm glad you're doing this," Cory said as Topanga served them a late breakfast the next day. "She really needs you Josh."

"Maya's having your baby?" Auggie asked. "And you're not even married yet?"

"It happens," Ava chimed in, looking at him seriously. "Haven't you ever had the Talk?"

"Of course I have! But daddy and mommy says I should wait until marriage. Why didn't you wait until marriage Uncle Joshie?"

"It's complicated," Josh answered. "Anyways, I really came over to see if she would be here today."

"It's Sunday," Topanga said, leaning against the table as she served them waffles. "She usually goes and has lunch with Shawn and Katy on Sundays. Your best bet is finding her there in an hour or two."

"I'll go and wait for her there then."

"You love her, don't you?" Cory asked hopefully. "This isn't just you wanting to do the right thing, is it?"

"I love her," Josh answered.

"You need to go and tell her then. Make things right," Cory said.

 **.**

Josh Googled flower meanings and then stopped at a florist to purchase her a bouquet of flowers to give her.

Tulips for love.

Daffodils for his rebirth and their (hopefully) new beginnings.

He was waiting for her when she turned the corner, he hoped his contrition was fully displayed on his face because he _needed_ her to know how truly sorry he was for leaving her like he had. His heart dropped when he saw her, she looked so lonely. . . like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.

"You're here," she said, masking her emotions better than she ever had since they had first met.

"I'm here," Josh echoed.

"Did you have enough space?"

She sounded so broken, Josh wanted to take her in his arms and hold her. He wanted to be the one to comfort _her_ this time, she had shouldered enough of the grief. Enough of the pain and the darkness and the sadness. She had been his rock for long enough.

It was his turn to step up and be the man. Be the person that _she_ needed this time. His selfish streak was over, his not acting or reacting were months behind him and he was never going to go back.

"I'm sorry I left you Maya!" Josh told her. "I just. . . I haven't been in a good place, you know that. And when you told me that you were having a baby. . . _my_ baby, I knew something had to change. So I went home to clear my head."

Maya clasped her hands in front of her like a prayer. "That's good."

"I found out something while I was away."

"Oh? And what was _that_?" Maya asked.

"I can't be away from you, like ever. And I don't know how I resisted you when we were younger because even then I felt this intense. . ." Josh trailed off and walked towards her, reaching out to cup her cheek with his free hand, "this intense pull to you. Like we were tethered together or something. And it only grew stronger after my father died. I look at you and I'm home. Oh no, you're crying! I didn't mean to make you cry!"

"It's a good thing!" Maya assured him. "I'm not crying because I'm sad Josh. I'm really, really happy!"

For the first time in a long time, Josh could feel himself start to smile. He brought her face closer to his and kissed her thoroughly. When he pulled away, he looked at her, hope coursing through his body. "Do you want to be a real family, just the three of us? Well, with all the Matthews actually? But mostly with me? Because I love you."

Maya tears instantly turned to smiles. "I love you too and I would love to be a part of your family!"

 **.**

It had been a year since they buried Alan and they were back at the scene of their first time together.

After getting countless amounts of offers, Amy decided she couldn't sell the family home. There were too many memories, too many good days that she just couldn't give up.

It had been a year since Josh had whispered to Maya about how numb he was. It had been a year since she had allowed him to undress her and find solace in her arms. They were married now, parents.

He was looking at her from across the bed. They weren't strangers to what was going to happen next, they knew each other's bodies better than any of their past significant others ever did. They had been lovers for a long time.

Josh went around to her, making the first move because somebody had to. He pulled her sweater over her head as he whispered love songs into her ear. She laughed and kissed him, her tongue tasted like ginger root soda and the dessert they had split at dinner because she was worried about her figure after having Alana.

Like the year before, Maya gently pressed her hand against the left side of his chest before replacing it with her mouth. He clasped her hand in his and kissed her all over before they fell into bed together, a tangle of naked body parts.

This time he was certain they were going to live happily ever after. So, with a dozen people underneath them, he made love to her.

This time, he meant it.

" _Down my arms, a thousand satellites_

 _Suddenly discover signs of life. . ."_

 **.**

 **Author's Note:**

 **First of all, Alana is a female version of** _ **Alan**_ **, it means "precious, awakening". So, I thought it would be fitting to name Josh and Maya's child that at the end of their journey together. The song lyrics are from the "Sleeping At Last" project, "Atlas: Year Two". The song is called "Touch". I'm on his mailing list and he wrote about how** _ **Touch**_ **came about and it struck me how much it fit Josh in this story. The title however comes from "Cecilia and the Satellite" by "Andrew McMahon and the Wilderness".**

 **This is the part in the author's note where I would rant about Girl Meets Texas but I won't because nothing is final until it's final. I still have hope for Josh and Maya and I know her feelings for him are valid and real contrary to some opinions online.** **In the meantime, you can always come to me for your Joshaya fix. I'll be here writing stories about them.**

 **Lastly, I hope you will tell me what you thought. I really poured my heart and soul into this piece. I hope you enjoyed it!**

 **Until Next Time!**

 **Lots of Love,**

 **Holly, 10/19/2015_**


End file.
